It’s happening again, reinventing my life is what I used to call it. Going through so many emotions. Crying uncontrollably and feeling such anger. This summer gave myself permission to do art. It was grand but now school is starting and suppose to go back to teaching, and I need the money and discipline. Trying constructing a segue into art career full time and aging. Trying not to intellectualize it but just feel it. Changes are tough for me, for anyone. Do not do transitions well, so need to be loving towards myself. Find it hard to handle it all right now. The business of art and how who where to make a living is overwhelming. Navigating it all alone, this is it! Just occasionally I’d like someone to help me. Not do it for me or decided, but fix me a cup of tea. I ask a girlfriend recently just that and she said yes. So there you are. Letting go of always being in charge. Relaxing a bit might help. Letting it unfold. It’s so hard when it all rest on you. But does it? Where to ask for help where to share the load of life? In learning that you think being brave you do not need anyone when in fact its brave to ask for help? Knowing who and where to turn. Since often it’s a family that you have learned to rely on and they are no longer there. Braving a whole new world.